From Memory Alpha, the free Star Trek reference

[edit] STAR TECHIES

A Monday, Stardate 1234. 5

Kirk- “Status report on our overhaul.”

Scotty- “She cannae take it, captain! She was ne’er designed for it!”

Spock- “It seems that Windows XP is incompatible with our current audio card, sir.”

Kirk- “Then try another one, Mr. Spock! Divert all auxiliary computer systems onto it.”

Spock- “Yes, captain.”

Sulu- “Sir, the helm doesn’t respond. I believe there is a short in the controls.”

Scotty- “Transfer the circuits from A to B.”

Sulu- “Aye, sir. There- that did it.”

Spock- “The video I was just watching in the scanner went mute. I believe this audio card does not work either. May I recommend we try another operating system?”

Kirk- “No, Starfleet demands that all starships should be upgraded to Windows XP. Keep working on the audio we have.”

Spock- “I estimate the chances of success to be approximately 285.39 to 1.”

Kirk- “Then we mustn’t waste any time should we? Say, Scotty. Do you mind changing that starfield screensaver to something else? It looks like we’re going warp 20 with that thing on.”

McCoy- “Jim, all this new stuff is messing up everything. What was wrong with it before?”

Spock- “Doctor, this new operating system is supposed to increase our battle efficiency by 492.35 percent, besides bringing up our medical efficiency to an acceptable level.”

McCoy- “Jim, I have a feeling you only keep me on the bridge for your own enjoyment.”

Scotty- “Captain! She cannae take any more! We will be blown to bits!”

Kirk- “We didn’t turn the engines on did we?”

Scotty- “No, captain. I just wanted to say that. After all, I didnae agree with the overhaul.”

Kirk- “Well, try to stick to the facts, Mr. Scott. Any luck, Spock?”

Spock- “None captain. I have, however, hooked the new Motorola communicators up to Starfleet Network.”

Uhura- “Affirmative, sir. And our Bluetooth works perfectly, also.”

Kirk- “Very good. How’s engineering, Scotty?”

Scotty- “I donnae know, the anti-matter will be under trem-en-dous stress…”

Spock- Captain, I am having some progress with a Yamaha sound card.”

Kirk- “Go ahead. Bones, why don’t you check on progress in sickbay?”

McCoy- “I’m a doctor, not an IBM technician.”

Sulu- “Captain! Enemy vessel approaching at warp 8 speed! Mark 2, sir!”

Kirk- “Shields up. Lock LaserJets onto target!”

Scotty- “My engines…”

Chekov- “They got us!”

Spock- “The deflectors need to be opened by using the proper program, lieutenant. Damage to the hull, was minor, this time.”

Kirk- “Fire.”

Spock- “No effect. Sensors show he has Norton Security. Primitive, but effective.”

Uhura- “Decks 5, 6, and 7 report losses of power.”

Scotty- “Ooohhh… My poooor bairns….”

Uhura- “And there’s a priority message from Starfleet demanding the Vulcan version of ASCII.”

Kirk- “Well- tell them- we are getting there with that. Sulu, enemy vessel’s position.”

Sulu- “Mark 4. Holding position.”

Spock- “Computer requests password for target analysis.”

Kirk- “Well give it! Doesn’t that sound logical to you?!”

Spock- “But I don’t know it. It says that I’m not a ‘master user’ at this terminal.”

Kirk- “Mr. Scott, add that to your list. Mr. Spock- uh- use one of those old tricorders.”

McCoy- “Don’t you remember, Jim? All tricorders were replaced with recorders.”

Chekov- “Enemy wessel moving to attack, captain.”

Kirk- “Don’t these guys have anything else to do?!”

Chekov- “Yeah, vhat do they vant? Violence?”

Sulu- “That’s nippy.”

Kirk- “EVERYONE!! I’m putting you all on the hot seat with me. Start fixing problems faster than we get them!”

McCoy- “Well, look, I’m a doctor, not a-”

Spock- “I do not wish to be the one to point this out, but it smells like we’re burning something.”

Scotty- “Tre-men-dous stress… She cannae take it… I told you…”

Rand- “Sorry guys, I just came up to tell you that we’re having to use hand phasers to keep the lighting going on level 6.”

Kirk- “I’m glad to hear we still have hand phasers, at least.”

Rand- “Yes captain, but we really are running low on AAs.”

Kirk- “Ugghhh…. I’m going down to sickbay! Spock, you have the com.”

Spock- “But captain, we’re under attack-”

Kirk- “Bones, give me an aspirin.”

McCoy- “Sorry Jim, for over-the-counter drugs you have to put a quarter in the vending machine.”

Kirk- “Then I need a drink.”

McCoy- “Are you over 18?”

Kirk- “Spock! Is what’s going on real?!”

Spock- “Considering what most people call ‘reality’ I would say, taking into account-”

Kirk- “Just pinch me for an answer.”

Spock- “You don’t want that, Jim.”

Kirk- “Believe me, I really do. And I don’t care if I have to hijack the Enterprise to do it, I won’t have Windows XP on MY SHIP!!!”

Uhura- “You don’t have to. Starfleet now orders you to upgrade to Vista.”

Kirk- “AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

[edit] The Spock Chatbot

This is a link to my chatbot-in-progress. I hope someday to eventually create a total "Spock" personality, but I'm a long while from that at the moment. Warning: anything typed to him will be logged in a file, so don't be rude!

http://www.pandorabots.com/pandora/talk?botid=c25f52560e36a151